“Trampoline Park Meth Head Wins Most Engaged Parent Award” By: Patricia Grant

How engaged are you in your child’s life? Are you an active and enthusiastic participant or are you just sitting there a like a worn-out old bag of shit? Well, consider this: engaged parents produce engaged kids and studies show that engaged kids are 98% better than regular kids. So maybe it’s time you got engaged in your child’s life, huh?

Need some inspiration? Don’t worry! The Foundation for Engaged Parenting, a nonprofit organization for the promotion of engaged parenting, has got you covered: Presenting the 1st Annual Most Engaged Parent Award.

Our team of Parenting Experts have spent the last year scouring our community for the parent who exhibits an outstanding level of engagement in their child’s life. What do we mean by an “Outstanding Level of Engagement?’

Do we mean the mom who’s begrudgingly agreed to push their toddler on the swing? The dad who picks his son up from daycare an hour early as a “show of mercy.” No! We were looking for the individual who is genuinely psyched to do all the stupid shit that parents have to do.

Well, we found him at the Shut the F Up’ N Jump Trampoline Park on Old Industrial Road. Meet “Dodgeball Doug” winner of our first annual Most Engaged Parent Award.

Dodgeball Doug is at the trampoline park every day, but that is not what sets him apart from other parents. Doug is out there with the kids. Most parents at the trampoline park sit on the benches and wait for the loud, dangerous, chaotic horror to end, but not Doug. Doug is enthusiastic. Doug is engaged. Doug IS the loud, dangerous, chaotic horror.

Our team of Parenting Experts have never seen a parent get as excited about the trampoline park as Doug gets. He jumps like he doesn’t have a care in the world or a lick of sense in his head. When he’s not jumping, he’s organizing a trampoline dodge ball game with the kids. Doug’s exuberance for trampoline dodge ball is un-rivaled!

The staff at Shut the F Up N’ Jump Trampoline Park agree. Mario, the park’s manager, has this to say about Doug:

“Doug? Oh, sure, Doug’s real engaged. How engaged? Well, we’ve had to replace the springs on all the trampolines since Doug started coming to our park. Our daily concussion rate has gone up by 85% and somebody’s started stealing pizzas. But, yeah, Doug’s real engaged, whatever.”

Justin, a part-time Party Host/high school student, said:

“Oh, man, Doug is awesome! He can fit 3 extra large pizzas in his cargo shorts. He sweats like a racehorse, he smells like drain cleaner, and I’ve found four of his teeth under the trampolines! And that dude can jump! He can go for like twelve hours straight. Nothing can stop Doug when he’s on one of his marathon jumps, not even a police taser. I swear, I’ve seen it myself.”

So here’s to you, Dodgeball Doug. We don’t know how you do it, but keep it up. You are truly the gold standard for engaged parenting.